Feed Us A Live Insect

Monday, September 22, 2008

Pehrspace w/ Sean Carnage tonight

Hello everybody:

Hot on the heels of devouring lobsters in San Pedro, we're playing a wonderful show tonight at Pehrspace with everyone's favorite band, Pizza! (I see a food theme here). It's a Sean Carnage night, and Sean always, always books a great show--if you've never been to one, well, here's your chance.

Of course, I do not blame you AT ALL if you instead choose to be at the Death To Anders show at the Echo. But if your fancy takes you a bit further towards downtown, well, we'll be there.

See you soon!

-Eli, Mary, Ashley, and Tom
The Monolators

Website devoted to Japanese pizzas

Friday, September 19, 2008

I am shocked

We actually won. I am totally speechless.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

An interview with “Quaking Aspen” Hotchkiss, pt. 2

Continuing our interview with retired Rear Army Major-General Phillip “Quaking Aspen” Hotchkiss, we discuss recent developments in the campaign for the Detour Festival, the General’s practice of apiculture, and the attraction of the undead.

The Monolators: Could you comment on the current state of the contest? It appears that we are tied for first place.

Hotchkiss: Yes, it appears so, although I should point out that I’ve washed my hands of the entire matter, and cannot be held responsible in any legally-binding way.

The Monolators: You’ve become disillusioned with the campaign?

Hotchkiss: You could say that, yes. You could also say that I never really felt at home in the field, as it were, so far from the comforts of home. For instance, the quality of crack that one is forced to subsist on in the army is so inferior to what’s available on any given day here in the alley behind the house that I see no real need to go abroad.

The Monolators: Is the use of controlled substances on the rise in the military?

Hotchkiss: I have a funny story about that. Harry Truman was of course heavily addicted, and once he came to me and said, “Phillip, can’t I please have some crack to help me get through this dratted Potsdam Conference,” except that instead of saying “crack” he spelt it out with a sort of continental flair: “c-r-a-q-u-e.” He was a very dapper gentleman and wanted to appear refined—but he had very small feet, abnormally small for a human being. He had to wear special plastic extensions to walk normally, and of course it was in the big toe that he hid his pipe.

The Monolators: Apart from your military experience you’re also well-known for your contributions in the field of bee-keeping, can you tell us about that?

Hotchkiss: Yes, I have several bees here at the Chateau, I find them absolutely indispensible and terribly fascinating. You know, not many people realize that they come from the forest completely wild, and you’ve got to tame them like you’d break a horse. They’re extremely fierce, with these wild, pale, rolling eyes, and they’ll come at you with their filthy fingernails and teeth and leave quite a scratch, believe me!

But once you can get a loincloth on them they calm down nicely, and you can use them for light entertainment, dancing, what have you, and the females can be quite charming in their savage way. They're very easy to please, just give them some little plastic trinkets for their hair and they'll happily perform all sorts of, er, bare-chested activities, as it were. Of course once they get to be a bit long in the tooth you can set them to work in the mines, and they can even manage some light secretarial duties, which is really very remarkable considering their size.

The Monolators: I don’t think you’re actually talking about bees, though, are you?

Hotchkiss: What makes you say that?

The Monolators: What you seem to be describing is some kind of feral harem girl, whereas a bee is a tiny yellow flying insect.

Hotchkiss: (long pause) Yes, well I’ve got some of those too.

The Monolators: Are these honey bees?

Hotchkiss: They’re actually bile bees, they make bile. Of course the study of insects and pollination is absolutely fascinating. The process is very special, because you know that most flowers contain both female AND male reproductive organs in the same unit, they’re true hermaphrodites, which I think is a fabulous idea for human beings, it would have so many advantages. For one thing I think that the implications of self-impregnation would cut down on masturbation tremendously, it would be a boon for the Church, so I suggest that scientists get to work on this pressing issue right away.

The Monolators: I see. So, what are your plans after the conclusion of the Detour poll?

Hotchkiss: My main priority is to exercise, remain fit, and stay healthy. I feel that in order to ensure a high quality of life for the twilight years in which I now reside, it’s a matter of maintaining what I might term a youthful demeanor: being open to new ideas and new forms of expression, surrounding yourself with young people and, of course, drinking a few pints of the blood of young virgins wouldn’t be remiss either.

The Monolators: Are you advocating, then, the practice of vampirism?

Hotchkiss: Well, I wouldn’t be so blunt as that, I would really say that full-blown vampirism belongs to the professionals, and I’m more of an amateur, a gifted amateur if you like. For instance, rather than subsisting solely on blood I can also eat a sandwich. Or meatloaf, whatever. Also I don’t live in a crypt, not year-round anyway. We do have one up by the lake but it’s more of a getaway home than anything else, we call it The Cabin. We spend most of the year in a regular old two-bedroom urn.

The undead have gotten a tremendous beating in the press for a long time now, and it’s completely unfair. I know several vampires who are upstanding members of the state legislature, and they’re in the clergy and they’re very well-liked. Few people know that some very famous people with tremendous philanthropic tendencies were of this persuasion, Florence Nightengale for instance, she was a werewolf, and you may not know this, but the Mummy did a lot of charity work, he was a lovely guy, he’d stagger around to orphanages and such and, you know, juggle…juggle his head…keep the kids happy.

The Monolators: Any final thoughts?

Hotchkiss: Oh goodness, no, none whatsoever.

To vote, please visit http://detour.laweekly.com/byob/vote/. You may vote once per day from your computer; voting ends on September 18.

Friday, September 05, 2008

An interview with “Quaking Aspen” Hotchkiss, pt. 1

In recognition of our position in the Detour Festival polls, we have decided to hire a new campaign strategist to help us clinch victory (or at least fondle it from afar): the well-known “Great Retreater” of Second Flippant War, retired Rear Army Major-General Phillip “Quaking Aspen” Hotchkiss.

Today I present an interview with the General, in which he outlines his plan of attack. The interview was conducted remotely, via tin can telephone, from the General's bunker in the West Indies.

The Monolators: Welcome, General.

Hotchkiss: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The Monolators: I wonder if you could brief us on your prior experience in campaigns of this kind.

Hotchkiss: Well, of course, I started off as a simple doughboy in the Aleutians, and was there at that famous charge by Teddy Roosevelt that ultimately lead to the annexation of the Thousand Islands, where they make the salad dressings.

The Monolators: Was this a battle of great strategic importance?

Hotchkiss: Yes, yes, yes, because of course at the time, when you went into a restaurant and you ordered a salad, all you could get was a simple vinaigrette, or at most spicy Italian, so gaining control of all of those wonderful creamy dressing resources was a major factor in this country's ascendancy to world power status.

The Monolators: And can you describe your strategy for this particular poll-based campaign?

Hotchkiss: Yes, well my strategy is now, and has always been, what I like to call "total surrender." When I came on board here and saw the hopelessness of the situation against the enemy, I immediately recommended groveling, coupled with an intense bombardment of despair and a rear-guard action of pointless sobbing. But then I was informed that, er, surrender isn't really an option in the case of a public opinion poll, so I've decided to expand the front and see if there's anyone else we can aim our groveling towards. Perhaps lizards.

The Monolators: So you see no hope of victory?

Hotchkiss: No hope whatsoever. All I see is a bleak future of absolute defeat, filled with the crushing blow of fruity tropical drinks and semi-naked native girls. For me.

The Monolators: But what about the young people who are the ones actually voting, what about their future?

Hotchkiss: I think the future for the young people of today is a rosy one. They're much more open-minded and curious about new experiences than when I was a young man, which is a very good thing indeed, because that does mean they are more likely to go to bed with me. Which, for a man of my age, isn't something you can take for granted.

The Monolators: And how old are you?

Hotchkiss: 125 or thereabouts. I'd have to saw off a leg and count the growth rings to know for sure.

The Monolators: To what do you attribute your extraordinary longevity?

Hotchkiss: Electricity. I consume it in the form of a pudding, which is prepared for me by secret means by my manservant, The Mystic One. I also wear special shoes.

The Monolators: So, just to sum up, you don't think my band could possibly win, do you?

Hotchkiss: Band?

The Monolators: I see. Thank you very much.

Hotchkiss: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

To vote, please visit http://detour.laweekly.com/byob/vote/. You may vote once per day from your computer; voting ends on September 18.

Oh my.

We have somehow moved into 3rd place. *looks confused*

Monday, September 01, 2008

Dare we Detour?

Well it looks like we've been nominated in a virtual "battle of the bands" for a spot at the LA Weekly Detour Festival. This is a big ol' music festival that happens downtown in October, and people like the Mars Volta and Datarock are playing--and there's a spot for a local band that is, as they say, TBA. Which means that you can vote for little old us to get that spot. I normally hate to pester people for this but, yes, we would be absurdly grateful if you'd cast your vote our way--and you can do it (IE vote), as Steve Martin used to say, up to ONE time per day.

What this comes down to is how many people you can mobilize to vote. Yes, other bands have legions of adoring fans spread hither and yon, and yet...I can see a sort of "ragtag gang of misfits from broken homes come together against all odss to win the big game against the prep school kids" type scenario here.

So please, yeah. Do vote for us, 'cause we need it. The dorks of the world need it. History needs it. We love you!