Feed Us A Live Insect

An interview with “Quaking Aspen” Hotchkiss, pt. 1

In recognition of our position in the Detour Festival polls, we have decided to hire a new campaign strategist to help us clinch victory (or at least fondle it from afar): the well-known “Great Retreater” of Second Flippant War, retired Rear Army Major-General Phillip “Quaking Aspen” Hotchkiss.

Today I present an interview with the General, in which he outlines his plan of attack. The interview was conducted remotely, via tin can telephone, from the General's bunker in the West Indies.

The Monolators: Welcome, General.

Hotchkiss: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The Monolators: I wonder if you could brief us on your prior experience in campaigns of this kind.

Hotchkiss: Well, of course, I started off as a simple doughboy in the Aleutians, and was there at that famous charge by Teddy Roosevelt that ultimately lead to the annexation of the Thousand Islands, where they make the salad dressings.

The Monolators: Was this a battle of great strategic importance?

Hotchkiss: Yes, yes, yes, because of course at the time, when you went into a restaurant and you ordered a salad, all you could get was a simple vinaigrette, or at most spicy Italian, so gaining control of all of those wonderful creamy dressing resources was a major factor in this country's ascendancy to world power status.

The Monolators: And can you describe your strategy for this particular poll-based campaign?

Hotchkiss: Yes, well my strategy is now, and has always been, what I like to call "total surrender." When I came on board here and saw the hopelessness of the situation against the enemy, I immediately recommended groveling, coupled with an intense bombardment of despair and a rear-guard action of pointless sobbing. But then I was informed that, er, surrender isn't really an option in the case of a public opinion poll, so I've decided to expand the front and see if there's anyone else we can aim our groveling towards. Perhaps lizards.

The Monolators: So you see no hope of victory?

Hotchkiss: No hope whatsoever. All I see is a bleak future of absolute defeat, filled with the crushing blow of fruity tropical drinks and semi-naked native girls. For me.

The Monolators: But what about the young people who are the ones actually voting, what about their future?

Hotchkiss: I think the future for the young people of today is a rosy one. They're much more open-minded and curious about new experiences than when I was a young man, which is a very good thing indeed, because that does mean they are more likely to go to bed with me. Which, for a man of my age, isn't something you can take for granted.

The Monolators: And how old are you?

Hotchkiss: 125 or thereabouts. I'd have to saw off a leg and count the growth rings to know for sure.

The Monolators: To what do you attribute your extraordinary longevity?

Hotchkiss: Electricity. I consume it in the form of a pudding, which is prepared for me by secret means by my manservant, The Mystic One. I also wear special shoes.

The Monolators: So, just to sum up, you don't think my band could possibly win, do you?

Hotchkiss: Band?

The Monolators: I see. Thank you very much.

Hotchkiss: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

To vote, please visit http://detour.laweekly.com/byob/vote/. You may vote once per day from your computer; voting ends on September 18.

posted by Eli Monolator @ 3:38 PM